Essays, opinions and rants

The Cash Hiatus

The Cash Hiatus

Stay-at-home Mom Job Description
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Position: Stay-at-home mom.
Hours: All of them from now until eternity.
Comp: Love, occasional loyalty and gratitude.
Description of duties:
Whip cracker
Nose blower
Flight attendant
Drill sergeant
Dental hygienist
Chef/dietician/nutrition consultant/recipe vetter
Sherpa
Head of Special events – parties, costumes, decoration, menus etc
Editor/proofreader/homework checker and consultant
Executive assistant – schedule and calendar coordination
Interior designer
Laundress
Librarian – periodicals and permanent collection
School liaison
Spiritual Leader/guru/moral authority
Singer-songwriter
Spelling bee coach
Personal shopper/wardrobe consultant
Pharmacist
Etiquette advisor (current focus table manners, personal grooming, inside voices and sibling tolerance)
Safety inspector/advisor
Worst-case scenario visualizer
Tech support (occasional and low-level only)
Gardener
Landscape architect
Salon and spa services – bang trims, nails, bathing, shampoo, conditioner with none getting your eyes I promise
Accounts receivable
Accounts payable
Photographer/videographer
Documentarian/historian
Archivist of art projects that don’t fit in any of the storage containers we have
Chauffeur/Taxi and other transport services
Thermostat regulation
Travel agent/trip planner/suitcase packer
Pet management including poop-scoopings
Project management (includes procurement/deployment of items such as antique telephone and Alexander Graham Bell costume; seaweed, shells for ocean habitat project, etc)
Tour guide cruise director
Social secretary
Stationer – signing of all the names on holiday card
Scary movie previewer
Hostess
Human resources; hiring and managing of cleaners, repairfolk, lawn guy, snow plow guy, newspaper guy who is a huge pain in the ass, etc
Head of all holidays including extremely advanced and highly classified covert responsibilities during time between thanksgiving and end of year if you get my drift
Waitress, bus person, dishwasher
Recycling and sanitation officer
Charitable giving coordinator
Curator – refrigerator art etc
Shipping department head/courier (including delivery to elementary schools of forgotten lunches or paperwork and clean changes of clothing after muddy recess episodes)
Night nursing duties – bad dreams, trips to bathroom, darkness challenges
Litigator
Negotiator
Goodwill ambassador
Filing and storage
Psychologist
Party planner
Stuffed animal locator
Cheerleader
Good cop
Bad cop
Judge
Juror
Bailiff
Parole officer
All aspects of snacking and treats
All-purpose separator of wheat from chaff
Emergency medical services (non-surgical)
Special ops as dictated by the vissitudes of fate
Light photocopying and typing

 

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4 thoughts on “The Cash Hiatus”

  • The sad part is, that even when your cash hiatus is over, you will still be expected to fulfill these job duties. No offense to Pete, but I believe this is why women lag behind men in professional positions and earnings. It tends to be a job that not only do men not understand, but most of the time, don’t even recognize it’s existence.

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